Sweet 16...a letter to my younger self

Today quite a few of my friends tweeted things to their 16 year old self using the hashtag "#tweetyour16yroldself," and I found this to be incredibly interesting and also pretty thought provoking. Hindsight always seems to be 20/20, and the older I get the more "if I knew then what I know now" seems to apply to everything I've been through.

I was quite the wild-child in high school, so any advice I'd extend to my 16-year old self would have to include something along the lines of "you are not invincible," and "slow down, you're still a baby!" I love all of the experiences I've had in my life, but in my later teen years I do feel like I made some "interesting" decisions...luckily they never affected me in a negative way, and for this I consider myself lucky. I occasionally used to look back with regret, thinking about this or that, but when it comes down to it, every single thing I went through or experienced absolutely made me into the person I am today, as overdone as that line is. But I really believe it.

So, to my 16-year old self, I say this:

You are a wonderful, beautiful person just the way you are. You don't need to feel like you have to prove yourself to anyone, you don't need to feel like you have to live up to anyone's expectations. Like any teenager, you will spend the next few years trying to figure out who you are, and I promise you, at 16 you are not that person yet. Be kind to your parents, they are only trying to protect you and worry about you because they love you. Your Mom will be your best friend in the upcoming years, as hard as that is to picture when you're a temperamental teenager. Remember that you are the company you keep, and although you never get mixed up in the wrong crowd, you will dabble here and there unnecessarily. Stick to the friends you've had forever. The boyfriend you will have at 16 isn't love, so think about that before you convince yourself he's perfect for you. Remember that no one else can define your worth but yourself. You were right to trust your instinct those times that seem so important (they were), so keep doing that. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Time will go by so quickly and these years will be a distant memory before you know it. Cherish the time you spend with your father, as he teaches you to drive stick shift in the blue Passat, up and down McDowell Road. Later on you'll think back fondly on those seemingly stressful lessons. And speaking of the Passat, remember to take the emergency brake OFF. This will be an issue numerous times, including the evening you and your girlfriends decide to drive it to a desert party, leaving it on all evening. Trust me. Don't forget to tell your sister you love her; it's so easy to get wrapped up in your own life and during these years she needs you now more than ever. Be there for her. Don't ditch Math class so much- bad grades in trigonometry will come back to haunt you in college and you will have to take remedial Math courses to make up for the deficiency. Save yourself the pain! Oh, and if you "happen" to hit a gas pump while driving out of the station, don't just leave! Be a good person and go in and talk to the attendant. This will avoid a huge headache later. Try to work on loving yourself, and pay attention to this one: you are not fat! Looking back now it's laughable to think that you, my little 115 pound 16-year old self ever thought she could lose some weight. Don't let Mom get rid of her vintage Frye boots, and don't throw away your collection of Sassy magazines. Don't pierce your belly button. Twelve years later the hole will still be there, and it will be itchy and annoying when you are pregnant with your first child. And on the topic of your first child: you WILL find love some day. I know it's hard being so young and feeling like you want to feel wanted and loved and part of something...but nothing you find at this age will be worth anything. Wait. Go slow. You are smart to not want to get tied down to anyone so young, and you will meet your other half in due time. He will be better than anything you could ever dream up. I promise. Life will be good to you, you just need to trust in that and try and slow down. And finally, this: believe in yourself. If I can impart any bit of wisdom that I've learned over the past decade, it is that. Give yourself more credit, because you are so fabulously wonderful in all of your teenage naivety. It's a beautiful thing to not know what's next, to not understand this wide, wide world, and that's exactly where you are. Everything will turn out okay. You will cry, you will laugh, you will lose friends and feel like you want to die. You will be depressed. You will be happy. You will have your heart broken, and you will break hearts. You are going to go to college, join a sorority, travel with your best girlfriends, and find adventure. You'll go to grad school. You will meet the love of your life, become a teacher, get married, and have a baby. I know it sounds like a distant fable at this point, but trust me, it only gets better. You think that 16 is great? Try 28. Just hang on, go slow, and breathe. You only get to do it once, and looking back on everything, that ride seems way too short. Above all else, stay positive, stay happy. And have fun!

So yes, that's what I would say to my 16-year old self. How about you? If you decide to write yourself a letter, link back here in the comments if you'd like to share; I'd love to read it! Have the best night, and happy letter-writing if you decide to do it! xoxo

Happy Friday!

Isn't this a good reminder? Sometimes I feel that the older I get, the more I lose a bit of my sweetness, my niceness towards others. It's easy to get jaded and start to distrust people- it's simple to become bitter after disappointments come and go, after things don't go as planned. But the world is beautiful. I really believe this. And I think it's so important to remember this, and to hold onto your goodness, and any bit of kindness you have. It's worth a reminder for myself, and maybe for you too. If you look around, and remove yourself from the everyday noise, the daily routines and to-dos, the heres and theres, if you step back and just look at the world and take a deep breath, I think we could all find a lot more beauty in our everyday lives.

I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful day!

*I also received an anonymous comment on this post that I deleted. Anonymous person, I don't need to have my readers "defend" me, or even deal with someone who gets so worked up. If you'd like to talk EMAIL me instead of leaving an annoying comment. If you think my life and happiness are so fake, that I talk too much about the things I have, etc. etc. stop coming back here to read what I write. It's my blog and you are coming here by choice. And hello, who asks me for money advice except the repeated questions via formspring (hence me deleting that site)? That's all I'll say. There's no need for me to leave up such a negative comment and have this post turn into ridiculousness- me trying to justify myself (I've already said too much) and comments from people doing the same. I'll just leave it at this: go away.

Thoughts...on thinking.

I think a lot. I know that's a weird statement to make, but sometimes I think I think too much (see, there I go thinking again...about thinking). But really, my mind is always going, and I'm always pondering this or that, here or there. I have not only a wild imagination but in the past I've also tended to worry more than necessary, which is not always the best combination. I'm incredibly introspective and I often think about strange, morbid things. Why I don't know, but I've been this way my entire life.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about how happy I am. I feel very, very blessed in my life. More than anything, I'm grateful for this love I have with my husband. I couldn't imagine anything better in my life, and as silly as it sounds, Hank is really and honestly my dream come true. I think we have a very special kind of love, and I feel so fortunate to experience it. With that said, if I think too much about being happy, I start to think about what a precarious perch happiness is. There's a Death Cab song that says "And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time." This couldn't be more true. It's crazy to think that every single day is a silent little hope that we make it to the end. It makes me think about one of my closest friends, my "little brother," who passed away a few years ago unexpectedly right around this time. I had seen him earlier that day, and I was able to give him a hug and tell him I loved him. I didn't know it would be the last time I'd ever see him, and that our plans for the next evening would never happen.

This kind of thing terrifies me. After Kendall died I became obsessed with thinking that every time I saw someone I loved it might be the last time I ever saw them. There couldn't be a more true statement though, because that is really a true possibility. It's scary and upsetting and I hate thinking about it. I don't know. I get into these emotional moods where I just start thinking and thinking about loss and how quickly everything good in my life could be gone. Does anyone else do this? It's a weird, weird thing that I don't do often but when I'm feeling emotional it's thoughts like these that make me feel so sad.

I think though, that with happiness this fear comes hand in hand. Of course when things are wonderful, there is the chance it could disappear. But what does this mean?

To me, when I feel this way, and I get over feeling down for those moments, I am reminded to love so hard, and live as much as I can. It is indeed true that everything we love can be gone in a moment, but isn't that just the way it goes? Life has a tragic frailty to it, and if we live our lives in a bubble of fear, if we go about our business with this in the back of our minds at all times, how can we enjoy the beautiful moments? If we fill our head with worry, how will there be any room for joy? Over the past couple of years I've taught myself to take the fears and negative thoughts I have and spin them into positive ones. It's not easy, but when I start to feel upset, or start to get those familiar doomsday thoughts, I remind myself that I feel that way because I am in fact happy. To have good, there must be bad. Happiness does not exist without the other side of the coin existing as well.

I tell myself to enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life makes no promises, whether we worry or not, and the sooner we can accept this, the sooner we can go through life with a light heart. I'm sure once my little one is born I will be filled with a new kind of fear. Life will soon be about Henry, and with that deep love that I can't even fathom at this point, comes that familiar reminder that life is fragile. And that moments are fleeting. And I know I am going to be so, so scared of all of the unknown for him. I'm scared now. I'm frightened about this huge responsibility of raising a life, protecting my son, and all of the things that will or won't happen. But dwelling in the what-ifs and the oh-nos will only take me away from the happy moments. So I remind myself: enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life is short, and we don't know what will happen tomorrow. But by focusing on the happiness I have today, and loving and living, and trying my best to make sense of this crazy world, I can regain some sense of balance.

Reminding myself to let go of the negativity isn't always easy, and some days it is downright impossible. But like anything it takes practice. You fall, you get up, you try again. I'm getting to a place where falls are rare, but I still have my skinned knees and bruised shins to prove where I've been. They fade with time, but luckily they are always there to remind me to keep going. Nowadays I allow sad times to push me back into happy ones, the down thoughts to remind me that up does, in fact, exist.

Above all else, life is beautiful. If we could predict every little thing about it, most of that beauty would be dulled. So I keep on going, keep on loving, keep on...keeping on. Reminding myself that all I can do is continue to strive for positivity, a light heart, and days full of love and laughter and peace...and I hope you'll join me. :)