Thoughts...on thinking.

I think a lot. I know that's a weird statement to make, but sometimes I think I think too much (see, there I go thinking again...about thinking). But really, my mind is always going, and I'm always pondering this or that, here or there. I have not only a wild imagination but in the past I've also tended to worry more than necessary, which is not always the best combination. I'm incredibly introspective and I often think about strange, morbid things. Why I don't know, but I've been this way my entire life.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about how happy I am. I feel very, very blessed in my life. More than anything, I'm grateful for this love I have with my husband. I couldn't imagine anything better in my life, and as silly as it sounds, Hank is really and honestly my dream come true. I think we have a very special kind of love, and I feel so fortunate to experience it. With that said, if I think too much about being happy, I start to think about what a precarious perch happiness is. There's a Death Cab song that says "And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time." This couldn't be more true. It's crazy to think that every single day is a silent little hope that we make it to the end. It makes me think about one of my closest friends, my "little brother," who passed away a few years ago unexpectedly right around this time. I had seen him earlier that day, and I was able to give him a hug and tell him I loved him. I didn't know it would be the last time I'd ever see him, and that our plans for the next evening would never happen.

This kind of thing terrifies me. After Kendall died I became obsessed with thinking that every time I saw someone I loved it might be the last time I ever saw them. There couldn't be a more true statement though, because that is really a true possibility. It's scary and upsetting and I hate thinking about it. I don't know. I get into these emotional moods where I just start thinking and thinking about loss and how quickly everything good in my life could be gone. Does anyone else do this? It's a weird, weird thing that I don't do often but when I'm feeling emotional it's thoughts like these that make me feel so sad.

I think though, that with happiness this fear comes hand in hand. Of course when things are wonderful, there is the chance it could disappear. But what does this mean?

To me, when I feel this way, and I get over feeling down for those moments, I am reminded to love so hard, and live as much as I can. It is indeed true that everything we love can be gone in a moment, but isn't that just the way it goes? Life has a tragic frailty to it, and if we live our lives in a bubble of fear, if we go about our business with this in the back of our minds at all times, how can we enjoy the beautiful moments? If we fill our head with worry, how will there be any room for joy? Over the past couple of years I've taught myself to take the fears and negative thoughts I have and spin them into positive ones. It's not easy, but when I start to feel upset, or start to get those familiar doomsday thoughts, I remind myself that I feel that way because I am in fact happy. To have good, there must be bad. Happiness does not exist without the other side of the coin existing as well.

I tell myself to enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life makes no promises, whether we worry or not, and the sooner we can accept this, the sooner we can go through life with a light heart. I'm sure once my little one is born I will be filled with a new kind of fear. Life will soon be about Henry, and with that deep love that I can't even fathom at this point, comes that familiar reminder that life is fragile. And that moments are fleeting. And I know I am going to be so, so scared of all of the unknown for him. I'm scared now. I'm frightened about this huge responsibility of raising a life, protecting my son, and all of the things that will or won't happen. But dwelling in the what-ifs and the oh-nos will only take me away from the happy moments. So I remind myself: enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life is short, and we don't know what will happen tomorrow. But by focusing on the happiness I have today, and loving and living, and trying my best to make sense of this crazy world, I can regain some sense of balance.

Reminding myself to let go of the negativity isn't always easy, and some days it is downright impossible. But like anything it takes practice. You fall, you get up, you try again. I'm getting to a place where falls are rare, but I still have my skinned knees and bruised shins to prove where I've been. They fade with time, but luckily they are always there to remind me to keep going. Nowadays I allow sad times to push me back into happy ones, the down thoughts to remind me that up does, in fact, exist.

Above all else, life is beautiful. If we could predict every little thing about it, most of that beauty would be dulled. So I keep on going, keep on loving, keep on...keeping on. Reminding myself that all I can do is continue to strive for positivity, a light heart, and days full of love and laughter and peace...and I hope you'll join me. :)

Emotional nesting

image from weheartit

With all of these changes going on in my little world, I've become very evaluative of the people and things in my life as of late. Becoming a mother is the craziest thing I will ever do. If I think really hard about it, and think about Hank and my life, for the rest of our life, it's pretty wild to know that we are bringing a little person along on this journey. It makes me want to cry from happiness, and conversely makes me so, so incredibly scared. What a responsibility. What an insanely terrifying thing to have a little being rely on you completely. And how beautiful it is to be able to create this life, to nurture it, and to give it so much love. I believe that because I'm a thinker, because I take everything apart in my mind, I'm in this evaluative state. In a way, I feel like I'm emotionally nesting and taking inventory of my life, the people in it, and the kind of future I want for our family. Because I've had the same core friends for over a decade, I've had a sense of stability in terms of friendship on a deep level. I've made new friends here and there, but as time marches on, I've found that so many friendships have faded away. It happens. People change, people grow up, people move on. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about relationships. I write a lot about this topic in this space because it's really something that is on my mind a lot.

I have a few questions for all of you, and I'd love your input.

1) Do you have people in your life that you feel obligated to speak to or spend time with just because you have a history and not necessarily because you enjoy your time spent with them? Do you feel guilty if you don't stay in communication? Does it ever feel forced?

2) If so, why do you continue to keep someone in your life if you don't feel they add anything positive to it?

These are some questions I've asked myself recently. I'm at a point now where I just don't care to even deal with the negative. If you bring more negativity to my life than positivity, no thank you. If there isn't a mutual happiness when the other person experiences happiness or success, no thank you. If I feel that you aren't trust worthy, no thank you. I feel like perhaps I sound a bit harsh or a bit "much," but wouldn't you agree that because life is so short, it's pretty imperative to be choosy? When I think about where I am going in my life, and all of the people I love that I want to be a part of it, there is just no time to deal with these negative nellies. And I understand that not everyone is happy all of the time- I'm proof of that. And because I do deal with depression from time to time I understand that part of a friendship is listening to the good and bad, allowing someone to vent, and being there for them rain or shine, through happiness and crises alike. I'm more trying to get at the negative-all-the-time kinda "friend," the person who can't be happy for you when something good happens, the one who always seems to have a negative comment, either direct or indirect. The kind of people who leave you feeling emotionally drained and exhausted. Those are the types of people I'm talking about.

And I'm not sure if all of this made sense. I started typing, and it kind of all came out. The main point is that I feel I am just really emotionally taking stock of my life. I know what works, and I know what doesn't. I know what kind of people I want to surround myself and my family with.

I'd love to see your take on this topic, and hear your answers to the questions I've posed above. It's kind of an awkward topic to really blog about. I had a long conversation with my best friend the other night about this, and I know that's what prompted this entry. It was a great conversation- we discussed the natural and sometimes eventual "drift" from friends that happens when it just isn't meant to be a lifelong friendship, and how easy it is to feel guilty that it just doesn't work out. And additionally, why we feel guilty and what we can do to just "be," and let things happen as they will. It's definitely a lot to think about and I feel lucky to have friends that love to discuss and analyze as much as me! :)

So as always, thanks for reading my random thoughts! I hope you have a great night, and I look forward to reading what you have to say! xoxo